Things I Have Only Said Aloud To My Cat

“Please don’t stand on my balls…”

“Well at least you pissed in the sink.”

“Toothpaste tubes are not toys.”

“If you must vomit, do it somewhere I don’t usually walk.”

“If you want to eat your hair instead of getting brushed, don’t come crying to me when the hairball eats your dinner.”

“HisssssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

“Behave or you’re going in the shower.”

“Wait… no.  No.  No.  Crap.”

“Stop trying to lick your nuts, they’ve been gone over five years.”

“What?  What?  What?  You need to be more specific than ‘meow’.”

“Hey – don’t – no – not there – awwwwwwwwwwww hell no!”

“This is my food.  Yours is in the bowl in the bathroom upstairs.”

“I don’t know which one of you is munching the carpet by the back door, and you better not let me catch you.”

“Nice of you to join me while I poop.”

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