The Tortoise and the Hair

One day, Bob the turtle woke up from a particulary relaxing sleep inside his shell, having dreamt he was Elvis Parsley. He used vegetable oil to grease back his shoots and then wowed all the young celery and carrots, oh the salad days were here again.  Disappointed to find himself an amphibian again like every other morning he vowed to find a way to be a broccoli star.  For hours he trekked over rough terrain thick with foliage and giant insects.  Finally he arrived at the other side of the tree and stopped to rest.

This time he did not dream of fame or foliage, instead finding himself lost in a fog.  How he could move through it but light could not was unclear to him, so he filed that question away to ask the sly fox when next they met.  Move through it he did, pausing only when he ran into something.  Eerily these things seemed to be moving as well, as if there were dozens of lost animals in the fog who were faring as poorly as he.

Just then the wind picked up, sweeping the fog away.  Of the many obstacles there was no sign, nor a footprint or track besides his own.  Now only a perfectly flat surface remained, a very shiny surface indeed.   Suddenly a deluge of blue boulders rained from the sky, bouncing off his shell as he retreated into its safe interior.  Then there was silence, the rocks having formed a layer not quite as high as the top of his head.  The quiet was soon disturbed by a torrent of water falling out of a hole in the sky, and soon it was deep enough for him to swim in.

Ah, this is much better, he thought.  Dry skin was one of every turtle’s greatest fears, as no self-respecting girltle would mate with an unmoisturized boytle.  Coming back to his senses, he began to realize there were limits to how far he could go in any direction.  What strange barriers, solid as rock but clear as glass… glass… oh no!  Glass!  He was trapped in an aquarium!  A… a pet!  This was too much to bear, so he did the only sensible thing and blacked out.

When he woke, he found himself back under the tree… the whole thing had been a nightmare!  Off in the distance he could see the big hair of the woman who fed him each day headed his way, and under his breath he muttered “Shit.  She’s going to bring me over to her desk and make me sit through another freakin’ Lifetime movie… no wonder I’m having nightmares.”

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