Advice for Newborns

Welcome!  Sorry for making you swim down the birth canal, but there simply isn’t room for a gondola, let alone a serenading gondolier.  Not gaweer, gondolier.  Anywho, welcome to the world.  Don’t worry about the hair, it will fill in eventually and last at least 20 years.

Now, the first thing you need to learn is to cry loud enough to wake the dead.  Oww… yes, that’s it, very good.  This is your signal that you are hungry, have poopy pants, or couldn’t get a date to Prom.  You can also use it to garner sympathy if you plan on murdering your own offspring someday and would prefer being an outcast rather than an inmate.  Now, these little grabby things are called fingers.  The thumbs will be most useful to you for now, but the long ones in the middle will be really handy if you ever visit New York City.

Now to transportation.  There are many modes available to you in the beginning, enjoy them now because it won’t be long before you have to carry your own weight around here.  Some ways have wheels, those are fun, but backpacks and other sacks have been popular for hundreds of years, especially with gypsies.  When you get your first walker, remember it does not turn you into Chuck Norris or any other Texas Ranger. 

Toys.  Toys toys toys.  This is where life gets fun, because anything can be a toy, whether Mommy bought it at the toy store or Tiffany’s.  The secret to getting lots of toys is to break all the ones made in China because nobody will think it’s your fault.  Also don’t leave them all over your room, just where Mommy and Daddy walk the most.  Toys with wheels are best, but toys you don’t like are more likely to end up in the garbage if an adult steps on them.

You may have heard about something called burping.  This is just a fancy scientific word for forced vomiting.  Don’t worry about aiming for the towel, Mommy has lots of good soaps to clean it off her face.  This may not seem helpful now, but when you’re in college it is a vital skill.

Something else to learn as soon as possible is who the best presidents are so you can start collecting their heads.  Ben Franklin is the hardest to find but is the best President to have in your pocket.  Then, in descending order of importance, you have Grant, Jackson, Hamilton, Lincoln, and Washington.  You might think the first President would be worth more, but inflation has made him less valuable than a Diet Coke.

That’s all the advice I have for now, when you come back for your six-month check-up I will teach you all about Liberals and Conservatives and how both are batshit crazy.  Oh, and I will have a Safe-T-Pop for you as well.  You need to learn to spot the suckers if you’re going to get ahead.  Here, take this copy of People magazine. 

Ta ta, goo goo ga ga, no I said “Google Lady Gaga”…

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