Hello, newborns of all ages! Now that you’re outside your birthing apparatus, I thought you should know a few things right up front before anyone else can tell you otherwise.
1. Trust everyone you can, but don’t expect special treatment. Anyone who can’t be trusted by someone you trust probably can’t be trusted by you either.
2. Have integrity. If you poop yourself, admit it. Don’t wait for the smell to give you away.
3. Act with honor. If it isn’t yours, don’t take or break it. If it is yours, share it even if it will get broken. There are more toys where that came from. (i.e. China)
4. Don’t scream in public. The sooner you learn what an inside voice is, the happier your parent or guardian will be.
5. Respect the stroller. Not having to walk outside of the house is a priviledge, not a right. Enjoy it while it lasts.
6. No means no. Get out your baby dictionary if that isn’t clear to you.
7. Don’t hit. Eventually you will hit either something harder than your hand or something that hits back.
8. Don’t grab. It’s rude, and in the case of register-proximal candy can cause a great deal of embarrassment.
9. Sugar does not make you more fun. It turns you into a wrecking ball, and nobody likes a wrecking ball.
10. You earn friends by being a friend, not by being cool. So don’t worry about what brand of diaper you wear or how much hair you have so far, just be nice and most others will respond to that with kindness in return.
Now go eat, but don’t think for a minute the floor wants a share of your food. Good luck!