Guide to Men for Women Who Can’t Tell Us Apart

charliebrownIt is so common to overhear a woman say “why can’t I meet a nice guy?” while she is pretending I don’t exist.  I felt it was about time someone laid out some fundamental knowledge about men so women can stop making poor choices in their love life.  So here are some useful facts, not in any particular order, to help correct some misconceptions and fantasies.

A bad boy is a bad boy.  If he is good to you it is because he knows being himself won’t get him very far.  Eventually he will forget his plan momentarily and disappoint you or hurt you and it will be his first natural act of your relationship outside of the bedroom.

Muscles don’t make a man anything more than muscular.  Maybe it looks nice, but if you pay attention there are many millions of guys whose neck no longer fits in their shirt collar who were athletes when younger.

Being a real man has nothing to do with looks, strength, willingness to get dirty, career, health, fitness, or anything else you can see from the outside regardless of how attractive those qualities are.  This in no way implies that real men don’t possess some of these traits, but none are actually required.

A real man cares what goes on in your heart, cries with you, is patient and understanding even when you aren’t, puts your needs first, and cares for you like the love of his life before he knows he is in love.  He can finish your sentences but waits for you to find the words.  He cares about what you care about instinctively, not as an escape route from the doghouse.  He knows just what to say or do to bring a smile to your face because he always wants you to be happy, not to get you to be quiet.

Men aren’t going to remember everything you want them to.  Instead of making an issue, remind them.  Leave a note.  Keep a calendar on the fridge.  Every time you lose patience with him, he loses a lot more.

Don’t complain about the mess.  Men don’t change their spots, but you can train them to do simple things if you are persistent and insistent but never angry.  Yelling at a man doesn’t teach him anything but how to turn off his ears.

Tell him what’s bothering you before it really bothers you.  Most men cannot read minds, and women-folk are famous for holding it in until they explode.

Communication is essential.  That doesn’t mean a phone call every few hours or long walks in the park, it means sharing ideas with substance that are important to your relationship instead of making small talk.  If he doesn’t want to hear it, he’s not for you.

Life is not like an Adam Sandler movie, where a guy is an ass through the whole film and at the end undergoes a transformation and all is forgiven and he is never an ass again.  Don’t keep giving second chances that are actually tenth, twentieth, or hundreth chances.

A healthy relationship is at least 95% argument free.  If half your relationship is great and half is him smacking you around, arguing, fighting, anger, spite, and silence then clearly the good times are not worth what comes in between.

Men who will mistreat you are usually the ones with the clever lines up front and confidence leaking from their pores.  It comes from practicing on other women just like you.  If a man really has his breath taken away he will be a little nervous, a bit awkard, and smile uncontrollably while you are around.  That is the man for you.  Someone who is excited because you are there, and everything else is icing on the cake.  Someone who, on a fundamental level, is drawn to who you are right then, not who he thinks he can make you.

Bottom line is that a man who is good for you will lose a little light in his eyes when you walk out the door rather than tell his buddies what you did in bed last night.

There is a reason the divorce rate in America is over 50%, and the reason is simple.  Both men and women will choose a partner based on trivial, shallow perceptions instead of the fundamental characteristics that give rise to everything about a person.

Choose wisely, and it will be the last time you need to decide whether a man is good for you or not.

Good luck!

Sincerely,

The perpetually nice guy you never knew was there.

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45 responses to “Guide to Men for Women Who Can’t Tell Us Apart

  1. I think most women already know this about nice guys. Perhaps the reason they don’t “meet” nice guys is because the nice guys are sitting there silently not expressing interest and waiting for you to notice the light in their eyes 😛 While the jerks, perhaps, are the ones announcing their interest/availability or issuing invitations for coffee. So remember, women aren’t mind readers either! If you’re reading this and you’re a nice guy and you see someone you think is a nice girl, don’t just sit there!

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  2. My last relationship was with one of these “nice guys” who was always wonderful to me. In the end, we just didn’t have the sexual chemistry required to conduct a successful romantic relationship. This is NOT all there is to choosing a good partner. There is a lot more that goes into it. I think it is a disservice to people to suggest that this is all you need. For ages, I struggled with the guilt of not wanting to be with this person who had only ever done right by me; I felt like because he was such a nice guy, I was bad for not feeling that it was enough for me. I felt like it was my duty to adjust my desires. I am so glad I realized that it couldn’t work that way, and luckily I was able to keep my friendship with my ex. Now I’m left waiting for another nice guy – but it has to be one that I actually want to have sex with.

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    • Good chemistry is important, for sure, but I stand by my assertion that there are some things you shouldn’t have to accept in a relationship. Not every pair of good people is going to work any more than a 5mm wrench on a half-inch bolt. Plus, there are plenty of nice guys out there who are passionate lovers. No amount of sex is worth putting up with physical, mental, and emotional abuse, infidelity, or even just constant arguments. You have a right to be happy in a relationship. 🙂

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  3. Of course, I absolutely agree. I didn’t mean to suggest that the price of having a relationship with great chemistry should ever be tolerating ill treatment. I guess I just wanted to explain the misconception I absorbed, and luckily, overcame, from the advice to “choose the nice guy.” I suppose this misconception came from a rather narrow view of what a “nice guy” is, and therefore what I should be looking for in a partner.
    Young women should know choosing a nice guy doesn’t imply that they have to adjust what is attractive to them (unless, I suppose, it is turbulence that they are attracted to). As you said, there are things no one should have to accept in a relationship. One of those things is poor treatment, and another is a partner who doesn’t turn you on, but you stay because you get along so well and they’re so good for you in every other way. Everyone has a right to a safe, respectful, happy relationship, and I wish I had realized that this doesn’t mean compromising on what you want in a partner. What it does mean is having to look (even) harder.

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  4. I think it’s a bit of a myth nice guys get overlooked for bad boys. Sure some women date awful men who treat them bad, but plenty of men date women who aren’t exactly what you’d call nice as well. I know plenty of lovely sweet guys in happy relationships.

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    • I wouldn’t call it a myth. This is mainly directed toward women who have not found the right person for them. Also I have had personal experience with women who were not good people. It really boils down to choices, and not everyone needs help making good ones. I wrote an entirely separate piece for men trying to figure out women, though admittedly that was more entertainment than actual advice. Lastly, and I mean this without even a hint of sarcasm, I reserve the right to make statements that have exceptions, give advice that not everyone can use, and to fail at solving any particular large-scale problem with one blog entry. 🙂 I certainly don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I say, then I would never learn anything.

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  5. Here I am on a Saturday morning, wondering why I’ve been dateless for years. Men hardly ever approach me and I really don’t know why. My guy friends tell me I can be intimidating to approach but then they go on to tell me that I should not change a thing about myself. Help! It doesn’t make sense to me.

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    • Well two things come immediately to mind. If you can get to New Jersey I’ll take you out. If that’s not convenient, then your next best choice is to talk to guys that might be of interest to you. Don’t worry about flirting or pick-up lines, just talk. News, current events, music, doesn’t matter as long as you avoid bodily functions. Whether that guy responds well or not, you are now seen as someone ready for conversation and will be much more likely to have more people join the conversation. It isn’t about picking out the right guy, it just changes how you are perceived. Eventually you’ll meet someone who is really easy to talk to, has common interests, and smiles uncontrollably. Then you can turn on the charm. Just be patient, you might end up chatting with bartenders and intoxicated seniors more than you expect, but as Newton would say, a mouth in motion tends to stay in motion. Go for it! 🙂

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      • There isn’t a direct bus from Singapore to New Jersey but I get what you mean. I guess I should go out more and talk to people I see. I talk a lot at work and when I go out for that odd cuppa, I tend to be rather reclusive, sitting by all myself armed with a book. Perhaps next time, I should leave the book at home and just we who is sitting nearby waiting to catch my eye?
        When I lived overseas, it was easier to start a conversation with a complete stranger. In Singapore it is seen as rather strange. So perhaps I should try a place where I could meet someone who comes from overseas. The only problem I for see is that the foreign guys here only seem interested in meeting slim young women. I’m in my mid-40s, slightly pudgy, am battling cancer and have crazy grey chemo curls. The only good thing I have going for me is that I smile. Doesn’t seem to get me very far. But I’ll keep your words in mind the next time I’m out and about.

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  6. Well said and brilliant. And yes, I have one of those men who is all the wonderful things you listed. He isnt the bad boy, he isnt buff and he doesn’t have tons of money. But we rarely fight, we miss each other terribly and we realize what we have is more than most. Grateful we both are.

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  9. Great post. I learned most of this the hard way. The only thing you were lacking in the post is where can I find nice guys.(I don’t have much time to go out and meet new people.)

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    • I only know the whereabouts of a handful at best. There are plenty out there disguised by their broken hearts; you can usually spot them hiding between sarcasm and cynicism. You’ll find that they still have the right stuff but they just aren’t feeling the need to be nice to just anyone. The only way to flush them out is to share your own painful memories and see who understands and empathizes (not sympathizes). Once they open up you can see exactly who they are on the inside. 🙂

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    • Of course they are. I only allowed one sentence for that, because there are an infinite variety of guys with different interests, skills, bank accounts, cars, clothes, etc and while those can help with initial attraction, none of them are specifically required to be a good man. Mr. GQ and Farmer John can both be equally awesome on the inside, but they can also be arrogant, violent, spiteful, or any other kind of bad news. It’s the inside that makes a man good for a woman; the outside just makes a man good for his buddies.

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  12. Unfortunately, while you can say all this until you’re blue in the face, the sad truth is that if girls don’t figure this out by the time they’re 25 or so, then most likely they’re never going to.

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  14. I myself had my bad girl phase in high school and college, and completely understand from that sense. However, I realized that I would prefer to find a woman who is truly nice and treats me with genuine respect, rather than to deal with the up and down of bad girls, who give only temporary pleasure and a false sense of attraction. I have learned from that phase. However, I get even more disappointed when women in their late twenties to thirties continue with their bad boy phase and ignore the truly good men. I have been disappointed that many women in their twenties seem to ignore the guy that they truly want, and instead go for the bad boy. As a mature adult, I believe that the choices I make as far as choosing my partner is a reflection of my character and my love for my future children. So when women continue to choose bad boys, they do not love themselves enough to choose someone who will truly care. Those women tend to say that how “confident guys” aka cocky guys . I agree with the OP on “Men who will mistreat you are usually the ones with the clever lines up front and confidence leaking from their pores. It comes from practicing on other women just like you”. I have been the guy who “really has his breath taken away he will be a little nervous, a bit awkard, and smile uncontrollably while you are around. That is the man for you. Someone who is excited because you are there, and everything else is icing on the cake. Someone who, on a fundamental level, is drawn to who you are right then, not who he thinks he can make you.” The reason I had those bad girl phases because I was a bit of a bad boy myself at the time, the same way how women who choose bad boys aren’t totally innocent. I do not think that good girls go for bad boys and bad girls go for good guys because everyone in the relationship is equally responsible for their choices. I admit I have my flaws and I am working on them. I believe the real age of maturity is when one takes on adult things, such as a career, future plans, choices in a partner/spouse and decision to have or not have children deadly seriously. People are only as strong as their weakest link. They as adults must choose wisely adults.

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